The Virgo Year (As Predicted by Me)

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Virgo image from http://www.dreamstime.com

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” -William Shakespeare

With a new year upon us, I’ve been seeing a lot of astrological predictions for the year in my news feeds and in blog posts. Some are very funny, some not-so-much, and some are downright cryptic. But they’ve all been entertaining. And since some of them are so wildly contradictory, I figured I’m at least as qualified as the next person to channel my own outlook for 2015. I hope this brings a laugh to my fellow Virgos (and to those who love–or despise–them).

January– 2014 was a challenging year, Virgo. Mostly because you obsess too much over every damn thing your analytical skills can occasionally prevent you from living “in the moment.” But you met those challenges with the classic stoic Virgo style, and even implemented a little new age spirituality into the mix, resulting in an unusual calm to what cold have been a raging year-end ulcer. This month you will continue the momentum of your spiritual development. January has you perfecting your meditation technique. You will collect and analyze all the most current and relevant data on proper breathing and visualization, and you will proceed with the method that is statistically most likely to end in successful contact with your spirit guide. Keep in mind that spirit guides are ethereal beings and do not operate on human time, so they may not appear on your preferred schedule. Resist the urge to lecture your spirit guide on good manners.

February-Love is in the air this month, and many suitors would love to be your Valentine! It is no secret that you have impossibly high standards are discerning when it comes to those you choose to date. And since you are completely devoted to and thoughtful of the one you choose as a partner, your discernment is not actually a bad thing. However, as most humans are, well…human, you might consider giving someone who isn’t perfect a try. Maybe “Mr. Right” isn’t a genius, or well-mannered and thoughtful all the time. Maybe he isn’t going to be hilarious or captivating. And maybe he will sometimes be late or disorganized or messy….

Yeah, you know what, Virgo. Nevermind. Just get a dog. Preferably a hairless one that doesn’t drool.

March– It might seem like winter will never end, but don’t give up hope, Virgo. There may not be much greenery outside right now, but there is plenty of green beer flowing. Relax a bit and join in the festivities! After, of course, you make sure that the glass was properly sanitized first, and that the bartender has washed his hands. Also, refrain from trying to engage the Libra girl with the green fingernails and shamrock painted on her cheek in intelligent conversation. This is futile and will only lead to exasperation and a desire to flick her in the forehead. Remember your breathing techniques from January.

April – Spring is around the corner, which has you feeling more energetic. Few things make you happier than getting things organized, whether it’s your things or their things. So, busy bee, bust out the notepad, Post-its and pen, and start those lists you love so much. Delegate as you see fit, because only you can properly assess how the work will be done most efficiently. Ignore the comments that you’re a bossy workaholic. Only lazy people and Sagittarians say that. Remind them that Benjamin Franklin said “there will be sleeping enough in the grave.”

Also ignore the death threats. Send them back, making sure to point out the grammatical errors.

May – Warm weather is officially here, thanks in large part to your “gentle reminders” to Mother Nature that she was slacking in her duties. How hard can it be to grow a few flowers and warm the northern hemisphere? Pisces…honestly.

You feel great! Your clothes are pressed and organized by fabric, and your chakras are open and color-coordinated. It’s time to get out and be spontaneous…maybe during the 30 minutes between your power yoga and grocery shopping.

June- Time for some well-deserved R-and-R, dear Virgo. While not using your time productively makes your eye twitch, it’s time to take a chill pill. Being the health-conscious sign you are, consider it an important part of your health and wellness plan. So read for pleasure, eat carbs without self-flagellating afterward, and ignore that you inexplicably have fishy smelling sand in your bathing suit, despite the fact that you refuse to get anywhere near the actual beach. Maybe that sexy Aquarian across the cabana bar can distract you from fretting. Try not to obsess over the pretzel crumbs and spilled beer mess that he seems utterly unaware of having made.

July- July will prove to be a little rocky. While the whole nation celebrates its birthday, something about rockets, bombs and Kenny Chesney makes you feel quarrelsome. You will have a frustrating debate with an Aries, the two of you disagreeing on whether he is, indeed, God’s gift. You will point out that were he, in fact, God’s gift, a bright star would be following him everywhere, and he would smell of myrrh. He will fail to recognize the sarcasm, because he believes the stars do follow him and he doesn’t actually know what myrrh is.

August– You frequently feel misunderstood, dear Virgo, as your bitchy neuroticism frank honesty and selfless intention to help everyone be the best possible human beings they can be is taken by some as batshit controlling and negative a tad critical. But the dog days of summer surprise you when you meet Jason Bateman a strikingly handsome Capricorn who totally gets you. Sharing many of your earthly idiosyncrasies, this gentleman is able and willing to do what’s necessary to bring out your Virgo charm. Just in time to enjoy some meticulously-planned romantic moments during those last few warm summer nights.

September– Your birthday month has you packing your bags for your dream vacation! You’ve been perfecting your language skills, you’ve plotted out all the things you want to see on charts and graphs, and have ensured that all the fun to be had will occur on-time, under-budget and in a sensible fashion. The extra 10 pounds that you gain from eating too much cheese and pastry will stress you to the point of an ulcer, but the experience overall will provide you with wealth of creative inspiration. But, to get the most out of this adventure, plan your vacation before Mercury goes into Retrograde on the 17th. Because Mercury in Retrograde is a rude asshole.

October– You made it through Mercury in Retrograde, and you hunkered down to work diligently on your creative endeavors. This month, fate opens a door that leads to an opportunity to actually be paid for your creative brilliance. Between this and your developing romance, life is pretty good right now. Well, except for the zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies coming from??

November– You join the nation in giving thanks this month for a truly wonderful year. Control freak organized you directs the festivities this year, so that everyone’s collective shit is together, and the holiday is perfect for all who sit at your beautifully decorated table. If anyone arrives late for your perfectly prepared Thanksgiving feast, graciously tell them that you admire their free-spirited nature and wish that you, too, could cease being preoccupied with the wants, needs and consideration of others.

December– Holiday glitter abounds and you are ready to celebrate. You’ve come a long way this year, becoming better at calming your sometimes snarky, unpredictable temper, dealing with a little bit of disorganization and messiness, and learning how to relax a bit and embrace the beautiful way that life unfolds when we let it. You have many gifts…be grateful. Thank your spirit guides, as well as all the people you encountered during 2015–even the jerkwads–as they have all served as teachers and co-creative partners. You’re in a good place, Virgo. Here’s to an even better 2016! © Racheal Lee Bradford

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5 thoughts on “The Virgo Year (As Predicted by Me)

  1. Don Royster says:

    As a fellow Virgo, I would say that this fits me to a tee. However, and there is always a however, I am the cusp with Libra. You can imagine how messed up that makes me. My Mercury is always contradicting the Venus in me. So though I try to balance my chakras, they fight back. And as far as getting a dog, I have three cats. There are no dogs allowed in my house. On top of it all, my cats are my spirit guides. The only problem with that is every time I ask for advice they want to go outside to pee and to hunt. Or to hunt and to pee. I am not sure which takes preference over the other. Besides, being a Virgo, I am a bit of a perfectionist. As you may or may not know that is a no-winner. Thanks anyway for trying. I do appreciate the horoscope insight.

    Like

  2. Chris Capestrain says:

    This was hilarious! You need to write for Scorpio too.

    Liked by 1 person

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